Smudge a view of himself

The only thing my father gave me was his name and my mother called me Silas. Most people call me Smudge. Ever since I was a kid my dream was to race on the European Grand Prix circuits, but where does one get the knowledge you need, trapped in a backwater like Crystal Springs.

I was working on my race car, Psycho, a few Fridays ago when I heard a commotion coming from the pub across the road. I had to bend to get a good look through the open door to the bar so I could see what was happening. A shearing team were celebrating their cut out from Yap-Yap Station. One of them had Charlie by the collar and she was kicking and screaming at him to put her down.

Charlie, bloody kid, only eleven years old and seen more of life than someone three times her age. Anyway, she’s up to her old tricks raising money for the car club. I see some of myself in her sometimes, she’s trapped here too. Unloved by her mother and has never known her father, but Charlie loves cars and I let her dream in the same way I did. Sometimes I catch her sitting behind the wheel and I know she’s driving the tracks of the world in her mind. I hear her making gear change noises and it makes me smile. Given half a chance this kid could be someone special. She is special. I have heard the gossip and it might have hurt before, but I am her friend, someone she can talk to.

Had a girl of my own once, Lilly. Prettiest little bundle of precious I ever held, but it wasn’t to be. Wilms Tumour the doctors said, we tried everything, today most kids survive this cancer, not Lil.

Ripped Ruby’s heart out from then our life together was never the same. She found excitement in the arms of a man who used her as a punching bag. I visit every Wednesday, I don’t think she knows me, but I go anyway, hoping she’ll come out of her coma and smile. She doesn’t deserve to live this way, but after the divorce she has no one to make those sort of decisions for her. I guess had we stayed together, I would be agonising over turning off the machines. Oh I tell her everything and I’m sure somewhere in there she hears me, if not it helps me I guess.

Anyway back to the Friday night, its late and I get a call from the Peterborough police, the little bugger has got down there somehow and they want me to pick her up and take her home. I act up a bit, but decide to go anyway. When I take her to her mother’s place, that useless prick Kevin is there. Long story short, the kid comes home with me and stays in Lilly’s room. Terri storms in and accuses me of all sorts of shit. That day there’s an accident and the authorities let Charlie stay with me. It’s nice having a kid to look after, I thought when Lil died and Ruby left, I’d missed my chance.

Now with a bit of giggling about the place, I might just get a chance to reach at least one of my dreams. Oh! and doesn’t that feel so good.