The manuscript has now had a copy edit and several proof reads, all it needs now is a publisher.
Wish me luck
MANUSCRIPT
ASSESSMENT
Manuscript: Voss
Author: Terry L Probert
Genre: Crime
Word Count: Approx. 57,000
Date: 18 January 2015
Editor: Merlene Fawdry
Summary
The story is built on layers of
intrigue that make it a compelling read. The quality of the writing is high and
shows a crafting of all elements that make a complete whole. There are some areas
requiring attention and these are listed under the relevant categories below.
Story Concept
This is a solid crime story that
follows a series of murders through from detection to resolution. Along the way
the lawmaker becomes a suspect law breaker, when a perceived conflict of
interest is detected, sidelining him from the case. Determined to prove his
innocence and bring the killer to justice he works behind the scenes with a
reclaimed dropout from society,
Plot
The plot has sufficient conflict and
resolution, with carefully crafted rising action woven as subplots throughout
the chapters, to keep the reader interested from first page to last. Most
importantly, it is realistic and believable.
Characters
The characters are well
developed, some more than others, with most evoking emotional responses from
the reader. Although stereotypical to some degree, in terms of the setting,
they manage to retain their own sense of uniqueness that is required to set
this story apart from others in this genre. I have some difficulty with the
relationship between Una and Voss. At times this is inappropriately flirty, considering
their rank, even though they go back a long way. You get it right when he
states he sees her as more of a sister and it would work better if she
responded with this parameter. Consider revising last para on P 150.
Structure
There is a clear beginning,
middle and end, with each component serving the story as a whole. It has a
strong opening, which is well written, graphic and enticing to the reader. The
middle, which is most of the book, is a marvel of plots and subplots that are
believable and all relevant to the bigger picture. The end, when it comes, is surprising, yet
believable and satisfactory to the reader. Another strength of this ending is
the sympathy and understanding it invoked in the reader. Well done.
Point of View
The first person POV is
consistent throughout. It works well to give immediacy to the story while
allowing the reader insight into the protagonist’s thought processes and
actions. We hear Voss’s voice loud and clear and this helps the reader in the
knowing of the man.
Pacing
The plot move at a pace fast
enough to grasp and maintain the reader’s interest. There are a couple of
places where it flags a bit due to a deviation from the story line and these
are mentioned below.
Chaptering
Chaptering has been masterfully
done, finishing each with satisfaction for the reader while propelling the
reader into the next chapter.
Language
The use of language is fresh and
appropriate to the characters or narrator most of the time, the dialogue is
realistic and immediate and research into the subject adds authenticity to word
choices.
An example of ambiguity:
I dumped
everything into my brief case and started to unplug the laptop.
‘Leave that and
your car keys. I’ll need this for somewhere to drop in to check up on things
and I’ll use your car too, at least until you get back.’ She turned and I
opened the door for her. She leant in and whispered to me, ‘That’s if you do
get back.’ And not for the first time, I watched Una Knight leave my office.
I’m not sure what this means or
even why she would need to use his laptop and car when she would have her own.
If her taking these things is important to the story then there needs to be a
disclaimer in there somewhere, like maybe her own car is out of action – going
in for a service or repairs and she’ll use his to save requisitioning another
one from the pool her use. You would also need to have a concrete and
believable reason for her to use his laptop instead of her own.
Fictional Dream
Writer and teacher John Gardner had a
concept he called the fictional dream, which was the idea that fiction does its
job by creating a dream state for the reader, and as long as the writer is
doing a good job of maintaining that dream state, the reader won't "wake
up" from it and will continue to read and believe in the fictional world
the writer has created. Gardner argues that this fictional dream first happens
in the writer's head, and the writer's job is to write it down for the reader.
I felt the Fictional Dream was
established early in this work and maintained throughout through fast paced
plotting and use of language to create imagery to enable the reader to step
inside the story. Areas that detract from this are mentioned below.
Distractions and issues
A distraction for me was in the
selection of names that dated the characters, giving the impression that either
they, or the work itself, were older than intended. One older name might slip
past the reader, conjuring an image of parents thinking outside the box or
using a family name. Use too many, and the work and the writer become dated. Older
names in this category include: Una, Baz (Barrie- even the spelling doesn’t
save this one), Gerry (Roger), Ronald, Marion, Dulce, while names that work for
this contemporary story are Estelle, Gabby, Lucy, Tamsyn, Patrice, Brigitte,
Steph etc. and all the ethnic names, with Tony and Peter just scraping through.
I took on board your desire to
keep her name and have taken the following approach on P21:
‘For Christ’s
sake, Voss. I must have told you to call me Una, a hundred times.’
‘But these
days, you’re my superior ma’am.’ Besides, I didn’t really like the name. It
reminded me of a fusty great aunt and this Una was anything but. I remember her
telling me once her parents choose the name for it for its Gaelic meaning, “she
knows”, well they got that right. Someone just forgot to add “it all’ on the
end of it.
When building characters, once
their age has been established, one tip is to research names used in their year
of birth and choose from these. This adds authenticity to the work, while not
placing the writer into a particular age demographic. This can be quite
challenging at times for the older writer as using contemporary names that we
aren’t used to hearing can take us out of our comfort zone.
Regarding Gerry, apart from his
name which puts him in the 60 + age range, I recommend you revisit a number of
facts about this character.
- If he
had been living for several years as a homeless person with a penchant for
drink, his habits would be established and it would be virtually
impossible to make the rapid and almost seamless transition back to the
world of the living.
‘Don’t you ever want your old life back?’ I had heard about him once in a police economics lecture, a bloke who’d had it all. An eighties entrepreneur who made it in property development. He’d ridden the crash out in the nineties, but the GFC smashed him. Seven years later and he’s living in my front yard. - If he
had a problem with drink then one assumes he is an alcoholic, then having
alcohol around him in any form would be a recipe for disaster, before or
after he moves in.
- Homeless
people don’t live in suburban front gardens, particularly in the garden of
a cop, as they usually hang closer to services for ease of access, so I
think this needs to be reconsidered. A solution could be to have Voss
living in a townhouse closer to the CBD or welfare service precinct.
- No cop
would have a homeless person living in the front yard so to make this
believable you’d need to establish a former relationship. This doesn’t
need to be complex, maybe consider Gerry as a former cop before moving
into the world of finance, perhaps someone who was at the academy at the
same time.
There is a section, pages 53 – 56
which does nothing to progress the story and I wondered why it was in there at
all. It didn’t work for me and I suspect any reader from the LBGT community may
find it offensive, which I know is not your intention.
There is some confusion around
Estelle’s will. If she was divorced from her husband and had a legal will
naming beneficiaries then the order of death is academic.
Other recommendations
P 46 reference to Voss collecting
ex pursuit cars. This crops up later with the mini and the subject of garaging
the collection hasn’t been broached. Also the mini isn’t mentioned when first
the garage is first referenced in relation to setting Gerry up in there. You
could take care of this by mentioning storage elsewhere.
I went to the
police garage. Eddie the manager knew I collected pursuit cars and kept me
informed about anything special that was coming out of service. I’d have to pull back on this at some stage
though as my storage unit was almost at capacity.
P 107
‘Thanks, I
think I might slink over to Patrice, see how she’s doing.’ I put another twenty
on the bar. ‘Order up boys or leave the barman a tip, up to you.’ They ordered
drinks and Beach counted the change, they had enough for a couple more.
$20 probably wouldn’t buy a glass
of water in this place so maybe increase this to a fifty.
All in all Terry, this is an
exceedingly well crafted story that only requires minor tweaks before the final
edit, although it is always your choice as to whether you accept the
suggestions for change. I look forward to hearing your views.
Merlene
18 Jan 2016
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